2 more funny's

Yes JB, I got these from Rex.

Click. Here.

Planning is my thing

I'm not the type of person who can agree to have a bachelor party thrown in my honor, and then completely pass off all planning responsibilities to the best man. It's not in my nature. That being said, my best man is my brother and he is doing a good job getting it done. Of course I have been meddling in the planing. Let's just say my contribution involves a pontoon, whiffle bat/beer bong, and a home run derby.



Planning parties and a wedding reminds me of 1986 and setting up my GI Joe's for hours before battle, then carrying out the battles for about 5 minutes.

Now, back to that new Kings of Leon track...

Uh-Oh

The few of you who read this blog know that I am engaged to be married on September 13th. I recently found out my wife-to-be (I hate the word fiance, because it looks too much like finance, and there is no way I'm looking up how to insert an accent) used to have a idiosyncrasy about her bed. Apparently she wouldn't let people sit on it in college. She would even freak out about people looking at it! This is amazing news, not because I am scared to marry some OCD freak, but because this supplies me with at least 3 years of teasing material. I will beat that shit into the ground.

Redemption

This story from the New York Times deserves a read. I am completely fascinated with drug-use redemption stories. This author is able to write eloquently about it. Good Stuff.

With Farvra, anything is possible...

On KFAN today, some dude from Biloxi called in and said he ran into Farvra at the grocery store (totally legit!). Farvra told him that he hates the Packers management and wants to play with A.P. in Minnesota. Oh man, this video sums up my thoughts perfectly.

Japan part II

You just can't beat the abundance of humans in Japan.

Sex And The City Review

Yes, I admit it. I went to Sex And The City yesterday afternoon. Big deal. Wanna fight about it? Having the opportunity to date someone who had every episode of Sex And The City on DVD, and who also didn't have cable and took a ridiculously long time to get ready when we went out, I've seen every single episode, so the logical next move was to watch the film and complete the circle of apparent femininity that I've blindly walked into.

Aside from having a running time of ten years, the film wasn't that bad. I can summarize the entire film in one sentence. Carrie still hates technology, Charlotte is prim and proper, Samantha is a struggling nymphomaniac, and Miranda is a raging bitch. That's the whole movie. Oh yeah, I think a wedding happened at some point, but I could be wrong.

Afterwards, we ate an early dinner and after a heated debate over who would win in a game of one-on-one basketball between any player from the WNBA and our friend Cory, we discussed the movie. Here are our final reviews...

J.B.: "It wasn't that bad."

Chris: "It was okay."

Carey: "It was the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. I never wanted it to end. My life is now complete after watching this movie, and I can die a happy woman."

Funnies

I found two funny things on the Internet today (to read a very interesting history of the World Wide Web, click here).

1. Hilarious graphs and charts
JB, I know you been reading this for years, but a lot of people are unaware. By posting it on this blog, 3-5 people will now know about it.

2. Maury Povich has quitely overtaken Jerry Springer in the fight for daytime comedy talk shows. Witness the following two clips. In the battle for top comedy scene, I have to vote for #2. "The baby don't have my gift of gab." He said that. Plus, nice hair.




vs.



As DW would say, Pure Class lad!

TV Sucks Right Now - Reprise

After publishing that last post, I decided that writing about how bad television sucks to your ass-mar* right now deserves a legitimate rant. After the season finale of Lost on Thursday, I don't know what I'm going to do all summer. Go outside? Yeah right. That's for hippies and surfers and surfer hippies and attractive people. Read a book? I don't own a sport coat with patches on the elbows or smoke a corn-cob pipe, so that idea is out the window.

My only solution is Netflix. Sweet, sweet Netflix. I currently average around five hours of TV a day (What's up ladies?) and the average DVD contains two hours of content. That's roughly 10,000 DVDs a week. Looks like I'll be upgrading my account for the summer. Have fun reading and doing outdoor activities, LOSERS!

*I'll give you a hug if you can tell me where this phrase is from. Shirkey and Justin don't get to play.

TV Sucks Right Now

Did anybody watch The Andromeda Strain remake on A&E last night?

Yeah, me neither.

Awesome Dean and Betsy

Is there anyone cooler than Prince? I think he could be cooler than Liam.
Watch his solo at the 3:30 mark.



I love the way he walks off stage at the end.

Links...

A guy poses as a 10 year old boy and writes letters to famous/infamous people asking them if he should drop out of school. Interesting experiment. Link


Anyone need to get me a birthday present?

I recently decided to give "How I Met Your Mother" a try. It's good, but I think I came in at a wierd moment in the show since it appears they are desperate to be renewed. I see the glimmers of comedic goodness though. Glad I listened to all the raving fans.

I also saw the movie "Priceless" last weekend. And yes, I paid $8.50 a ticket. However, I got to see Audrey Tautou wear little dresses and bed sheets. Well worth it.

End of society as we know it...

Dwyane Wade and Star Jones Makin' Miami Heat?
http://www.tmz.com/2008/04/24/dwayne-wade-and-star-jones-makin-miami-heat/

Two things are certain if this is true.

1.) There is no longer a need for the Onion with headlines like this.

2.) Barkley is definitely dropping D Wade from his fave 5.

-JZ

Pity Post

Justin claims that I write my posts in advance, and sit on them patiently until another member of this blog posts, and then hastily publish mine, thereby capturing the optimum viewing audience and moving their post down a notch.

This post illustrates said claim.

Case of the Mondays? Well, not anymore!

Mondays can be a drag, just ask Jon Arbuckle's grouchy feline.  The only thing that can make a Monday ok for that tabby is a heaping serving of lasagna.  But starting tonight Mondays are back baby!  Its all because of two solid teen dramedys for us suckers out there who pine for the days of The Walshs, McKays, and the Peach Pit.  I am talking about "Gossip Girl" (returning tonight on the CW) and "Greek" (4 episodes into a solid second season on ABC Family).  

I love me some teen soaps and these two got the chops.  "Gossip Girl" started slow, but has quickly picked up the pace and sucked the viewers into the evil world of the uber rich prep school kids of  Manhattans upper East side.  It has a solid cast and is very well written by the creator of the O.C. (first season rivaled nine-o) Josh Schwartz.  Lets just say the kids are evil and have the money to get what they want and lets face it, teen dramas only work when the characters are extremely loaded, consult the past for proof...  Done consulting? Ok, good.  Just take my word for it.  Check "Gossip Girl" out tonight on the CW.

"Greek" is my vote for best new show last year and it continues to steamroll the hour long comedies this season.  The premise is basically kids going to a fictional Cypress Rhodes University and are involved in the Greek system.  Crazy hijinks ensue and lots of tomfoolery and skullduggery happen in the lives of these kids.  It also contains some serious comedic genius from Clark Duke, who also happens to have an online webisode show with Michael Cera from "Superbad" called "Clark and Michael" check that out too.

Anyway, what I am trying to say is, if Garfield had cable, he too would be able to get through Mondays.

xoxo - JZ

-also watch "How I Met Your Mother" 

NCAA Pool = Society

If I had the time to look, I'm sure I could find an official study done by University of Randomness that detailed the percentage of Middle Class America who are actually responsible human adults (homo sapien responsiblo in latin). But I don't have the time to search for this study (I only have time to blog, obviously). So I have been conducting my own study, on a smaller scale, each year for the past 5 years.

Every March, the NCAA tournament kicks off with worse players than the year before due to the NBA draft. Every year, I get extremely excited and decide to start a bracket pool on ESPN.com. This year I attracted the highest amount of entries yet, with 78 total entries. I always tell the participants that they are to pay me ASAP, but latest by the championship game. Then, 1 day after the game, I have to beg and plead for 8-15 people to get their act together and pay. It's almost enough hassle for me to quit running it ever year, but I'm always suckered back in by clips of Bryce Drew.

Back to the study, over the past 5 years, I have surmised that about 12% of my participants fail to pay by the deadline. Thus, by my rock solid logic, 12% of the human adult population are irresponsible people. That's depressing. There is no high note to end this on, so goodbye.

Whoa

Slow down on the entries Voight's Cars! - All the posting on here hurts my eyes. What a sad sack of bloggers. Well the drought is over, becuase I found a ridiculous video. Plus I'll have another entry about something called, "responsibility" in the next day or so. It could be the best rant to hit John Voight's car ever.



What a way to live. I love mass transit and I am willing to pay oil barrel-like transit taxes to support it and less roads. That said, if our country ever ends up like this, I'm out of here. On another note, do you think this is real? I guess I do.

Vampire Weekend @ Triple Rock

The indie band from New York, Vampire Weekend, will be performing at Triple Rock tonight. Doors are at 9pm. The show is sold out, but if you know your way around craigslist or aren't afraid to perform fellatio on a stranger, you might be able to score a ticket. I strongly suggest checking them out now, before they fall victim to The Napoleon Dynamite Effect and start getting play time in soccer mom SUVs and Frat Houses nationwide.

Scott Baio's nephew plays bass, so you know they're really good.

Update: I would give the show a 7 out of 10. A 45-minute single set with no encore didn't impress me by any means, but the songs sounded great live, and the opening act, YACHT, was a pleasant surprise. I never thought one guy singing over pre-recorded electronic beats would be so entertaining. I strongly recommend his latest album, I Believe In You, Your Magic Is Real. You're welcome.

Former NBA player = Wow/Douche

I recently found myself on the same basketball court with a former NBA player at our Sunday open gym. This is not the norm. We typically have a few games going on at once and usually 1-2 college level athletes per team, the rest of the players are usually just focused on continuing their necessary breathing patterns. Justin, Chris, Andrew, Shawn and I showed up to play this past Sunday. As the first teams were taking the court, I noticed a guy with dark hair, about 6'5, walking onto the court. At first glance, I thought, he looks like he might be good. After his first shot, I told Justin that this guy looks like a thoroughbred (this is a lame term for someone who is great at their sport, commonly used in the 80's). Then the man came closer, and it was clear we were playing with the one and only "Sam Jacobson". Sam played 4 years at the University of MN, then played a few years in the NBA with the Lakers, Warriors, and Timberwolves. He never amounted to much in the league, but hey, he was in the league, and had a great college career.

So lets get to my first game against his team. We lost 11-0. I missed one shot and mostly tried to stay upright, but it was surreal playing against someone who was just so very great at the sport. It just looked so easy for him. His team won 4 games or so to keep the court. When they finally lost, a sulking Sam walked off the court, complaining about his teammates not moving to the right places. Keep in mind he had kept the court for 4 games and his non-pro athlete teammates were probably gassed. This pissed me off, not only because they had won 4 games in a row, but mostly because....It's open gym!!! If you care too much your a tool. If you care too little your a loser. This is the biggest obstacle to finding a good open gym to go to. Too much caring and you have fights. Too much the other way and you have a sloppy, waste of time, game. Obviously Sam hasn't mastered this tightrope in his 20+ years of organized bball.

I came away thinking Sam (whom I used to worship) is a dork. That might not be true, because I didn't talk to him, but he certainly didn't impress with his personality. Maybe when I play against a retired John Thomas down the road I'll be impressed with him. Below is a video of a Sam Jacobson dunk from an Italian pro league game last year. I think the music fits him yeah?





Update...After some thought, I realized I have played against a future/current NBA player. In 1993-94, our Minnewaska traveling bball team beat Joel Pryzbilla's Moticello Tigers in a 8th grade tournament in St. Cloud. There isn't really much to tell except he was already 6'9 and didn't seem to care about the outcome.

Boldly Going Nowhere? Really?

Great news for fans of "It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia"! The creators of the show have been greenlit production on a pilot for FOX titled “Boldly Going Nowhere” which will be a comedy about a spaceship captain’s boring life when he’s not on a mission, but will not be starring any of the "Sunny" cast.

This project will fail miserably because it's titled “Boldly Going Nowhere”, it’s about a space captain’s boring life when he’s not on a mission, and it will not be starring any of the “Sunny” cast. Apparently no one at FOX remembers “Homeboys In Outer Space”.

The great news is that the article claims that “It’s Always Sunny” has been renewed for a fourth season.

Here's a clip to soothe your Charlie rage until this Fall when Season Four premieres:



*Related Update: The geniuses behind Mr. Show are planning a pilot for HBO.

One Trick Pony

Is it just me and Josh C or is Jonah Hill starting to lose his luster?  After viewing this week's SNL, I have to say that he was terrible!  He seems to have no sketch comedy chops and I feel that his improve skills are only serviceable when the sketch is about acting stoned.  "Superbad"and "Knocked Up" are great, but without the rest of the crew Jonah struggles worse than Brooke Shields does trying to cover up that she is actually a post-op tranny (see Lipstick Jungle).  

Also, I feel that in "Superbad" he was kind of cute fat like Hamilton "the Babe" Porter in "The Sandlot" and now he's getting to be disgusting fat.  I realize that he doesn't need to stay in shape for his career, but if he keeps it up, its gonna be Celebrity Fit Club in less than 5 years.

Your thoughts?

October Road Season Finale Review

It sucked.

Hidden Gem in the rough??

Just wanted to let you all know about a new show on VH1 called "Free Radio."  It is sidesplitting take the wind out hilarious.  It stars Lance Krall, that those of you, whom are sweetness, will remember as Kip from "The Joe Schmo Show."  It's a great find and is very accessible since VH1 will continuously replay it in various forms of marathons after "I love the 70's part 6."

Enjoy...

Undecided

I don't know how I feel about this.

I would love to hear some new material from Mitch, but it will be bittersweet. I used to read his widow's blog, but it could be so depressing I had to listen to Elliot Smith to cheer up.

It will be good to hear from my favorite comedian again, I just hope it honors his legacy and gives his family a final chance to spread his ingenuity and talent. Look for a review of the album in due time.

Paul-bot Walkertronix 3000

I claimed that I would only be posting to this blog about things people truly care about, and this post does not disappoint. According to Ain’t It Cool News, a fourth FAST AND THE FURIOUS film is in the works where Vin Diesel, Robot Paul Walker, and Ana Lucia will reprise their roles from the original film in an attempt at beating the world record for most brooding glances in 90 minutes and shittiest movie of all time.

I’m guessing it’ll either be titled 4 FAST 4 FURIOUS: REALLY FAST or FAST AND THE FURIOUS: BRATISLAVA DRIFT.

The unofficial poster tagline: This time around, the cars are totally faster than before, everyone is WAY more pissed off, and to beat the other drivers they now have to hit the nitrous button on their steering wheel six times each race! Whoa! [via]

They're Still Funny, Just Not Ha-Ha Funny

As Justin and I drove aimlessly about the metro area attempting to locate a Chinese buffet that Justin kinda’ sorta’ saw one time – conversation turned to my official review of the latest version of the ever-popular genre Will Ferrell Sports Comedy and Public Display of Unkempt Body. That review was exactly this: “Either I’m growing up, or those movies are getting more and more retarded.”

“I think you’re growing up,” replied Justin.

A genuine look of concern washed over my adorable face, “Oh, fuck!”

As a grown man who strongly believes that there are no other food groups besides chicken nuggets, I refused to let this be the case.

Further investigation revealed the problem is far deeper than the already forgotten basketball comedy (Which proves the theory of my other award winning essay Any Basketball Movie That Isn’t Space Jam Sucks: Piss Off Hoosiers Fans). The extremely unfunny truth to the matter is this: Comedy is broken.

It’s become an unfortunate tradition that the summer movie season unleashes an onslaught of movies with roman numerals behind their titles, however it appears that the summer of ’08 is breaking with that tradition. Aside from an aging archeologist and the role that finally took out Heath Ledger, sequels aren’t really on the menu.

Instead, we’re getting an onslaught of blockbuster comedies. Or, “comedies” as the case may be.

Here’s a sampling of what to expect:

Baby Mama


Forgetting Sarah Marshall


You Don’t Mess With the Zohan


Get Smart


The Love Guru


Step-Brothers


Laughed so hard you pooped yourself, right? I’ll wait for you to fetch a new pair of zubaz.

Don’t get me wrong, there are laughs to be had (Except for The Love Guru. That was painful. Seriously. That’s what rape must be like.) and any movie that involves a sex-montage with Kirsten Bell guarantee’s my seeing it six times, but we’ve fallen on hard times with the ha-ha’s.

While none of these movies are technically sequels, it’s still pretty hard to differentiate any of these movies from the ones that came before them. Instead of franchising a property like pirates, or boy wizards, or every super-hero ever, Hollywood’s began to franchise the comedian’s personalities.

The life of a modern-day comedian seems to go a little something like this:

Did you see that there’s a new movie with Jim Carrey/Adam Sandler/Mike Myers/Will Ferrell/Steve Carrell coming out? I don’t know if it’ll be good. I mean, they’re good on their TV show/their stand-up/their supporting role in the current hot comedian’s latest movie, but I don’t know if I can take Jim Carrey/Adam Sandler/Mike Myers/Will Ferrell/Steve Carrell for an entire movie.

CUT TO DIRECTLY AFTER THE MOVIE IS RELEASED:
Oh my God, Jim Carrey/Adam Sandler/Mike Myers/Will Ferrell/Steve Carrell is the funniest person alive! They are ten times funnier than Jim Carrey/Adam Sandler/Mike Myers/Will Ferrell/Steve Carrell!

CUT TO THE NEXT YEAR:

Dude, I am getting so sick of Jim Carrey/Adam Sandler/Mike Myers/Will Ferrell/Steve Carrell. It’s the same thing over and over again. It’s getting pretty old. Hey, did you see there’s a new movie with Jim Carrey/Adam Sandler/Mike Myers/Will Ferrell/Steve Carrell coming out? I don’t know if it’ll be good. I mean, they’re good on their TV show/with their stand-up/their supporting role in the current hot comedian’s latest movie, but I don’t know if I can take Jim Carrey/Adam Sandler/Mike Myers/Will Ferrell/Steve Carrell for an entire movie.

Hollywood enjoys taking someone or something that is genuinely funny and original at one point, diluting what made them funny in the first place by breaking them down to a crude caricature of themselves, using them as old French whore with her legs up for a couple of years, and, also like an old French whore, leaving them for dead of the side of a highway once their usefulness has dried up.

Then the comedians get all Bill Murray depressed and I get bored.

I predict a Comedy backlash this summer that’ll likely end the career of at least one of the current comedy titans, and all of these movies will have a roomful of fratties using a handful of catch-phrases, desperately trying to prove their relevance before they have to take over the family sporting good store.

Can comedy be fixed? Yes – there’s a very simple solution to this and every problem: Let me do everything.

Just kidding. Mostly. Hollywood is a very old machine that’s grown far too powerful to stop at this point, but hopefully there’s a small, under-the-radar movie lurking among the giants that we can enjoy for an hour and a half before it becomes the next big thing.

New Artist (sort of) Watch

Last week Liam Finn made his first network TV appearance on Letterman (he really gets going around the 4:00 mark).



You probably won't recognize Liam as 1/2 of the duet who sang "Two of Us" from the I Am Sam soundtrack (European version, what? you know you own it). The other half of the duet is his father, Neil Finn (of Crowded House). Speaking of I Am Sam.....It's getting dusty in here. Damn complicated father/daughter relationships.

Look for Liam (great name) to get big on the indie scene after SXSW this weekend. No doubt you'll be hearing his music on Grey's or any CW show very soon.

T.V. Badass Tourney

To spice things up a bit on The Car, I’ll be supplementing it with a weekly posting titled TV Badass Tournament. Each week, I’ll be pitting two TV Badasses against each other, and posting the results. This week’s contenders:

Horatio Caine from CSI: Miami vs. Renegade from Renegade. (I forgot Renegade’s name and internet search engines scare the shit out of me, so for all intensive purposes, his name is now Renegade.)

Renegade is television’s answer to Samson. His long flowing, majestic mane of man-hair is where he gets all his badass from. You shave his locks, and he’s worthless. Horatio gets all his power from his sunglasses and his expert use of dramatic pauses.

Example: Horatio Caine replied, “I’m going to kick...


(puts sunglasses on in a serious manner)


...the shit out of crime.” [Cue “Won’t Get Fooled Again” by The Who]


Results: Everyone knows Horatio is the strongest human being in the universe. Renegade puts up a strong fight, but the extreme gust of wind created when Horatio activates his sunglasses disintegrates Renegade’s face. No contest.

John Connor's Hot Mom Chronicles

The season finale of The Sarah Connor Chronicles will be airing on FOX tonight at 7pm CST and at 10am tomorrow in North Korea (I’m assuming Kim Jong Il is a fan). I’m the resident sci-fi nerd (but the cool kind of nerd that is super awesome and always says clever stuff) in my friend set, and I’ve been a fan of this series since the pilot episode.

Being a huge believer of judging bands by their name (if it doesn’t start with “The”, I won’t listen to it), and books by their cover, I gave Chronicles a bad start since it carries the worst title in television history. They should have just stuck with “Terminator” or “Awesome Future Robot Hot Girl Kick Ass Death Fire”. Who WOULDN’T watch a show titled that?

Aside from the shitty title, it also suffers from serious plot holes which tends to happen in any medium relating to time travel and robots and hot chicks who play time traveling robots and starring Brian Austin Green. This is of no concern for me, because let’s face it, who really cares? It is, after all, science FICTION, and if you’re going to tear apart the plot using the “that could never happen” approach, you should stick to watching shows with plots that could actually occur in real life. Like Prison Break.

So, if you enjoy hot girl robots from the future that honestly could have been cast using a hotter actress but is still kind of hot in that hot neighbor girl way, Brian Austin Green, and the original Terminator film, check this series out.

Justin Checks in..

Hi there,

I'm Justin.  I like many things, but nothing more than TV. I will blog about sports, movies, books, some music, but mostly TV.

Here are some things about myself:

- I steal other peoples jokes

- Josh and JB will steal my jokes

- Fall TV Season is like my March Madness

- Actual March Madness is also my March Madness

- I own a bar with my brother, which I will reference frequently

- I am married to Alisha and I will frequently pawn her jokes off as mine

- I was a closet American Idol fan, but am now very public about my obsession

- I deal in absolutes, either something is the best or the worst, there is no middle ground

There are more things about me, but I can't think of them right now.  

I just watched SNL from this past week and I have a couple things to say about it.  I hate Fred Armisen, he's the worst! Can anyone be less funny? He is so annoying, and it seems all he can do is fake regional commercials in weird accents that are terrible.  Speaking of people who are the worst.  Is anyone worse than Darryl Hammond?  No, the answer is no. He's the absolute worst.  Nice impressions Darryl.  All of his impressions sound like Darryl Hammond doing an impression.  My favorite is when he does Darryl Hammond doing Donald Trump.  He sucks royal.  Speaking of sucking royal. Isn't Seth Myers the worst?  Yep, he's the worst.  He is Smuggy Smuggerson, the mayor of Smugwell.  How does he get to be head writer? Plus he likes the Red Sox.  Other than those D-rags, I like the cast.  It has some shining moments and Jason Sudeakis (sp?) is hilarious.

Want to know what's the best?  I'll tell you... LOST.  It is the best, and now they are dealing with time travel!  I called that Jeremy Davies, would be the best, and I was spot on, he rules.   

One other observation...the Juno soundtrack is overrated.  This is the same phenomenon as the Garden State soundtrack phenomenon.  Somebody found some pretentious indie music that the majority of people haven't heard and put it in a mainstream movie and all of a sudden people think this kind of music is groundbreaking, well...it's not.  Ask Jim, he has heard everything and this is not groundbreaking to him.  As my cousin told me the other day, the Juno soundtrack is Raffi for adults.  Let that sink in behind the rims of your thick black glasses, trendies!!

Oh yeah, Josh stole like 3 of my jokes in his blog yesterday.  

Thanks for listening, look forward to American Idol breakdowns by Josh and I in the near future.

Justonian Institute

Josh Says Hello

Hello new blog.

My name is Josh. I’m one of the people that will be contributing pearls of wisdom and comedy into your pages which are really just a series of ones and zeroes.

It was my idea for all contributors to write a little intro piece as their first entry. I then ignored you for a week. What? I’m busy. And lazy. A rare combination of the two that, by god, gets shit done. Anyhow, here’s a few things about me:

I just moved back to Minneapolis from LA…for some reason.

I have a love/hate relationship with entertainment, as I can’t watch enough of it, but hate the attitudes and some of the people that go into the making of it. This is likely an extension of them not inviting me to sit at their table at lunch-time.

Sometimes I think the best way to meet women is to immediately pick a fight with them. I am currently single.

I have resolved to read a book a month in 2008, which is up from my previous record of one book about a boy wizard every two years. Thus far, I have kept up with this resolution by reading Steve Martin’s auto-biography in January, and The Ruins by Scott Smith in February. Both books were great, and only one is gonna’ be made into a movie. (At least in the next couple of months. The Steve Martin one will probably get the movie treatment once he kicks it.)

I used to claim I watched American Idol so I could make fun of it. I no longer feel the need to hide the fact that I’m genuinely concerned on which young clone of previous seasons’ contestants can or cannot blow. I pick and choose favorites, and hope beyond hope that they’re able to work it out.

I also firmly believe that current contestant Danny Noriega is actually popular actress Jessica Alba, in what will eventually be known as the greatest prank ever pulled on the American people ever.

I don’t give anyone’s movie review any credibility unless their opinion is some clever pun based on the title of the reviewed movie. Example, Semi-Pro? More like: I’d rather have a Pro run me over with his Semi than watch that movie again.

I believe those that speak with an accent are on some level faking it.

I Facebook and MySpace. I use both of those nouns as verbs. I also look to both for constant validation.

I currently have a phone that won’t allow me to dial out, text message, check any received text messages, access my menu, access my phonebook, access my missed calls, access my voice-mail, or access the screen. I’m like a caveman with the first cell phone. T-Mobile can suck it big-time.

So, there you have it John Voight’s car. That’s Josh. You got me.

Now what?

Sports Sports Sports...

"We don't care that much about sports!!! We. Just. Don't!" That's a little quote from Common Man, and I'm sure it rings true with a large protion of the real world. But, since I live in my own world, sports take on a large role. For instance, did you know it was possible to witness this in a 2008 NBA game?



I hope you enjoyed that, because the NY Knicks can only go on like this for a little while longer. Appreciate them now before they are gone.

So I will be blogging in Mr. John Voight's car about a few topics.

They are:
1. Sports
2. Stories from my life
3. Music and Television
4. Links from other blogs

I read a lot of blogs. So you will get links, pictures and videos from me as well. Creative writing? Not a chance.

I will continue with the occasional post on Mr. Poon, but for the most part, this is my new home.

TV Really IS My Pacifier

The premature demise of new TV at the hands of that ugly bitch, the WGA Strike, is starting to take a toll on my sanity. Each week, there's less and less new television waiting for me on my DVR and I'm sick of going to sleep before the sun sets everyday having nothing better to do because I'm a firm believer that reading books is for poor people and guys who sew patches on the elbows of their camel-hair sport jackets.

This No New TV Fever sets in every year around May, but in February?! That just ain't right. It ain't right, I tell you.

To aid me in my quest for all new episodes, I've discovered the website TV Is My Pacifier. It basically updates on a daily basis with what's on every night and gives you the option of sorting the shows by Category, Network, or Time.

Wow, where did the time go? It's 5pm. Time for bed.

You're welcome.

Oscar Blog...

Hey Germs, 

Justin here, just wanted to post our initial running diary of the Oscars 08.  I know that this as not as timely as it should be but hopefully you all enjoy.  Look for future posts as this blog heats up in the near future.

7:30 – Who’s hosting? Stewart. French Stewart? No, Jon. Oh, he’s okay. How great would it be it were French Stewart hosting?

7:31 – JB on the Oscar opening: This is the most exciting city ever!

7:37 – I just realized it’s 7:37. I just lost about six minutes. Fuck.

7:39 – It’s three minutes in, and already I’m declaring this one of the weakest blogs in the history of blogging. The blog police are going to shut down our boring-ass blog.

7:42 – Apparently, nothing happens at all during Atonement until the last minute of the movie according to Josh Zavadil. “Wasn’t it for girls? Like The Notebook?” JB quietly whispers under his breath, “I fucking loved The Notebook.”

7:47 – Justin: Franklin wants up on that couch where you’re sitting. Josh: Yeah, well I wanted to be a writer in Hollywood, and that didn’t work out too well. Justin: Yeah, but Franklin has a lot more determination than you do. True story, Franklin conquers the couch.

7:48 – Jennifer Garner has not eaten in a long, long time.

7:49 – The costume lady that won the first Oscar of the night looks like a rotisserie chicken.

7:53 – The first montage of the night is Hollywood’s tribute to just how awesome Hollywood is.

7:55 – “That’s Charlie Chaplin!? I thought that was an old guy accepting the Charlie Chaplin award! I didn’t even know Charlie Chaplin could talk!”

7:56 – Anne Hathaway has huge features.

7:57 – Justin can accept a rat that cooks, but not a rat that can control a human by pulling on his fair. That’s his line.

7:59 – We all hate Katherine Heigl. It’s not just me. She’s one of the most awful people alive. I’m glad people realize that.

8:00 – Norbit got nominated for an Oscar?!

8:01 – Good for Rick Flair. He just won the make-up Oscar.

8:03 – Josh Zavadil says that if Enchanted is anything like the song that Amy Adams is currently singing then Enchanted is the worst movie ever made and it’s just two hours that’ll annoy the hell out of him. Also, Alisha thinks Amy Adams has veiny, lumpy arms.

8:07 – Justin just announce in his best The Rock impression.. "Can you smell what Dwayne Johnson is cooking?"

8:08 – The best part about Golden Compass was when Mangeto Bear fought Deadwood Bear. The best part of Pirates of the Caribbean 3 was when we shut it off.

8:13 – The woman that won for Best Art Direction also has severe neck issues. Also, Scott refuses to watch Sweeney Todd cause there’s singing in it, and singing leads to gay, and he’ll be damned if the gays are gonna’ get him!

8:16 – Jennifer Hudson can. Really. Read. Well. And. Apparently. Only. One. Word. At. A. Time.

8:19 – We’re pretty sure Javier Bardem just swore in Spanish. That entire sentence coulda’ been Spanish swears. Well played Bardem.

8:25 – The middle of Keri Russel’s lips are weird looking. Thank God we’re all perfect and able to point out the shortcomings of others.

8:26 – Scott says American Idol isn’t as much about singing as it is about gay people crying. Kinda’ off topic, but whatevs.

8:28 – Alisha just said that Owen Wilson should’ve cut his nose instead of his wrists.

8:31- Now we’re pretty sure this French guy just swore a bunch in French.

8:39 – Why’d Tilda Swinton show up at the Oscars dressed like the White Witch?

8:54- Justin wants to solve pushing daisies by simply putting gloves on. 

9:04 – Forrest Whittaker = Basset Hound, JB is a 90% match look a like with Forrest Whittaker, therefore JB = Basset Hound.

9:11- Forrest Whittaker myspaced himself and got a 90% match with JB

9:15 – Rudy Huxtable made her first apprance on TV in a decade playing the Wii.

9:15- Justin didn’t believe that it was Rudy, He says ‘That’s not Rudy, Thats So Raven”

9:20 – We actually have to see a clip from every Best Picture.

9:27 – Justin thinks that Dances with Wolves won for best Ta Tonka.

9:29 – There Will Be Blood has no business being nominated for best editing; since they didn’t cut anything out.

9:37 – The Red Baron got the lifetime achievement award and he is going on Forever!!

9:38 – You can relate any situation in life to a Seinfeld moment

9:44 – Scott wants to call in sick tomorrow but he feels bad about it.  Chris says, “You don’t have to tell the truth all the time Washington.”

9:45 – Chris just called Mystic Pizza, Majestic Pizza

9:59 – JB and Bill seriously think they have a chance at getting a blowjob from Cameron Diaz.

10:24 – Diablo Cody now has one more Oscar than Josh may ever have.

10:31 – Spider Man shot bling webs on every ladies bodies tonight.

10:46 – Clean Sweep for the North Star State, We did it!

A Backseat Driver In Voight's Car

Hello interweb. J.B. here.

I'll be supplementing John Voight's Car with posts revolving around the local Minneapolis music scene as well as any happenings in the pop culture world that I deem worthy. This will most likely not include what club Lindsay Lohan lost her virginity in last night for the tenth time or how bat-shit crazy Tom Cruise is (extremely, by the way), but rather how cool it would be to have Sawyer from Lost as a roommate or an intellectual discussion on Minka Kelly's boobs. You know, the things people (me) really care about.

I've been unable to attend band shows recently due to work constraints and the fact that once I sit on my couch after a long day of pretending to look busy and lying to my coworkers about not actually being a CIA Secret Agent, I only get off it to change sweatpants after I've pissed myself three or four times. But I can say that I have an extensive knowledge of what bands are going to be in town and where they'll be playing despite not getting to see the actual show.

I'll still be posting to my other blog, Still Waiting For A Clever Title, so if you think my posts are sh*t and want to read more sh*t, then feel free to wander over there.

Cheers.

Okay....Now What?

Seriously you guys. Who wants to kick this super blog in the interweb nuts and publish a legitimate first post?